THE GROUP IS DEAD

I’ve learned something about myself the last few days.
She said, ‘I can see how you feel excluded. I know you’ve said it before but I can see it now.’
We were about to leave when the people we knew and had shared a table with said they were staying the night and arranged to meet in the morning for breakfast.
‘No one said anything to us about staying the night,’ I said to her later which is when she said she understood why I might feel excluded.
‘It might be because they know you don’t drink,’ she said.
‘Maybe,’ I said, ‘but I can’t tell how much is me and how much is other people.’
‘You do exclude yourself,’ she said.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I don’t feel secure like I used to, something’s changed.’
The group I want to be part of existed for about ten years during which time it met as a whole group and as different combinations of its individual members. Even though I struggled to belong and feel valued, simply by being a member of the group was good for me…
…the group is dead…
…and despite it having ended I’ve still wanted what I got from the group…
…the group is dead…
…I’ve tried to keep the group alive by imagining that I am excluded from it…
…the group is dead…