FISH
a curious fish

A LONDON ADVENTURE

SUCKING THE MONKEY

We were on our way out when I said, ‘I’m just going to the bathroom.’
‘I hope you haven’t got a secret stash up there,’ she said.
‘That is outrageous,’ I said, ‘how could you say such a thing...’
‘Easily,’ she said.
‘Actually, if I did have a secret stash,’ I said, ‘and I had a discreet swig, I’d be sucking the monkey.’
‘“Sucking the monkey?”’ she said. ‘That sounds rude.’
I stood at the back of the chair she sat in and she turned herself to face me.
‘It was in a book called Brewer’s Phrase and Fable Thebus found in the charity shop on St. Mark’s and what it is, is when a sailor had a bottle of drink in his back pocket with a tube leading from it up to his shoulder so when he wanted a drink without anyone, especially the captain or first mate, knowing what he was doing, all he had to do was suck on the end of the tube and this was known as “sucking the monkey.”’
I turned my head and made as if I was sucking from something at my right shoulder and said, ‘it’s probably the same root as “I’ve got a monkey on my back.”’
‘Probably,’ she said.

BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS

We were crossing South End Green, Hampstead, when behind me a man’s voice, ‘you got ten p so I can get a hot drink?’
‘No,’ I said.
‘Oh, go on, just ten p, that’s all I need.’
He followed us a few metres asking still then tried someone else.
‘I hate getting hassled like that,’ I said.
‘Hmm,’ she said.
A few minutes later, as we talked about the affect on local shops as a result of the new Marks and Spencer food hall opening in the square, after we’d read an article had been stuck in the window of a deli had closed down, I saw the same man coming towards us.
‘Oh no, it’s him again,’ I said.
‘You got five pence?’ he said. ‘That’s all I need.’
He stood in front of us one hand out the other holding a yellow plastic carrier bag. I put my hand in my pocket took out the change and picked out all the none pound and two pound coins and gave them to him.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I used to live round here and now I can’t even afford the price of a hot drink.’
‘Can you go local?’ I said.
‘Well that place,’ he said pointing to the cafe next to the Starbucks, ‘costs a fiver for a cake and tea or whatever, which is a bit much really.’
‘I suppose so,’ I said. ‘I guess beggars can’t be choosers.’
‘More’s the pity,’ he said before walking off and tapping for change a woman who wore a long black coat and hat.

A FINE PEN

I said, ‘I’ll pay for this if I may?’ holding the pen out to the woman’d take my money as the woman I stood next to asked how she’d got the job.
Apparently she knew the manager who’d told her she wanted some time out but needed a replacement to cover for her and wouldn’t you know it she was available and said, ‘I’ll do it.’
‘Only one ninety nine,’ she said as she took the pen and scanned the price in. ‘Bargain.’
‘They write so well, these pens,’ I said.
‘I know,’ she said, ‘they’re so smooth.’
‘Aren’t they though,’ I said, ‘and i can get so much more writing on a page.’
‘Economical too,’ she said.

MEGABUS MEGALATE

We got to Victoria early to get the seats on the seven-thirty had the most leg room. When we got there there was a crowd of people with luggage and a line of parked buses I walked the length of looking for the one going to Bristol.
No sign and no one I asked had seen it.
‘Last call for Swindon, Gloucester, Cheltenham.’
I heard people say, ‘you know where the Bristol bus is?’
‘Anyone for Bristol?’ he said and people walked towards him.
‘The bus is running about two hours late...’ he said.
‘...two hours?’
‘...there’s been an accident on the motorway, probably because of the weather, and the bus was right behind it and has just got back on the motorway but will be about two hours late so here about nine-thirty.’
‘When you said, “it’ll be all over soon,” you spoke too soon,’ she said to me and I apologised.
A few minutes later he said, ‘it’ll be here about ten,’ so we went to a pub called The Traveller’s Tavern was near the bus station.
‘More like The Non-Traveller’s Tavern,’ I said.
We left the pub at nine forty-five and back at the bus station the man said, ‘it’s just passed Hammersmith so it’ll be here soon but he’ll need a break before it leaves.’
‘So what time will that be, then,’ she said.
‘As soon after ten as possible,’ he said. ‘You can wait in that bus over there if you want,’ and we did.
By the time we left London it was ten forty-five and we got to Eastville ten past one where the taxi she’d ordered while I slept on the bus turned up within five minutes.

THE FOUNTAIN AND THE CATHEDRAL

LOOK AT YOU

‘Look at you,’ he said. ‘Your father would be ashamed of you....
‘...you’re a loser, a fucking loser...
‘..you’re so angry but your life is easy compared to others and what do you do?
‘...nothing...
‘that’s what you do...
‘absolutely nothing...’
‘I've got to get rid of that mirror,’ I thought.

A GREEN MAN TURNS RED

BUSKERS ST. NICHOLAS MARKET CORN STREET BRISTOL CHRISTMAS EVE 2006

A PIECE OF PAPER ON A TILED FLOOR
this is really interesting

YOU READY FOR IT?

‘You ready for it?’ he said.
‘As ready as I can be,’ I said and added after a slight pause, ‘I’m working actually. What about you?’
He coughed, spluttered it was, then said, ‘oh no,’ and coughed some more.
‘You not a fan then?’ I said.
‘I am, I am.’
‘You ready then or you got more to do?’
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘I’ve done it all now and I’m ready.’

ORGAN, CASTLE PARK, BRISTOL

THIS BAG

He held the book in his left hand as he searched with his right under the counter he stood behind.
‘This bag,’ he said lifting up and showing a white plastic carrier bag had the coloured letters of the ebay logo, ‘is probably worth more than the book.’
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Yes, ‘they were giving them out at book fairs four years ago,’ he said. ‘Bags by the hundred they were and pens and things.’
‘Getting the name out,’ I said.
‘Well yes,’ he said, ‘they don’t do it anymore.’
‘Everyone’s heard of them now,’ I said, ‘they don’t need to do it anymore.’
‘Well, yes, like I said the bag is probabaly worth more than the book.’
‘I’ll sell it on ebay,’ I said.

MESSAGE

1:14pm
the sound of running water and crockery.
‘Hiya.’
‘Ok?’
‘I’m going to go and change?’
‘I’m trying to...I found the pot, the thing is, I’m just trying to wash it...’
‘oh, the, oh...you ready?’
‘Yes I’m ready. Are you ready?’
‘Yes. Is she coming?’
‘Where?’
‘Shopping.’
‘No. Her mum says she’s too busy. She’s taking her to her boyfriends and then she’s working in the pub tonight...’

LONGER

The postman got in the lift with his bike and the two of us already in there moved to one side.
‘There you go,’ he said, ‘all the way in.’
‘As the bishop said to the actress,’ said the other man wasn’t me.
‘I was talking about the length of the lift,’ said the postman.
‘It’s much longer than the old lift, isn’t it’ I said. ‘Means you don’t have to stand your bike on its end.’
‘Yes,’ said the postman, ‘I’m glad they made it longer.’
‘That’s what the wife said,’ the other man wasn’t me said and the three of us laughed.

TRAFFIC TODAY
a view of James Barton roundaboout at five past five this evening? this afternoon? which is it?

BEEN SHOPPING

Alright?’ he said as he got in and leant against the side of the lift.
‘Yes thanks,’ I said and then, ‘cold out there today, isn’t it?’
‘Tell me about it,’ he said.
He put his hand into one of the two bags he was carrying.
‘Been shopping?’ I said.
He took out a pack of ten Lamberts and held up his hand had a pay key in it and said, ‘electric should be working when I get in.’
As he got out he said, ‘bye.’
‘Bye.’
‘Take it easy.’
‘I will.’

THE SHADOW OF THE OBJECT

SKUNK AND PISS

‘Eurgh,’ he said as he got in the lift, ‘someone’s pissed in the lift.’
‘I don’t think it’s piss,’ I said, ‘it doesn’t smell like it.’
‘Smells like skunk,’ he said. ‘Someone’s been smoking skunk and pissing in the lift.’
‘Skunk and piss?’ I said. ‘That’s unusual.’

CLOSE TO GOD?

Just got back from a two and half hour laundry trip.
‘Two and half hour?’ you ask remembering my allotted time in the flats and, ‘surely that doesn’t take two and half hours?’
I went private because this Friday a lie-in took priority over doing the washing and I didn’t want to spend time with the residents share the time with me in the flats’ laundry.
Anyway, outsourcing cost me the following:
first washing machine, £2.80;
a takeaway coffee and newspaper to get change, £3.35;
second washer, £2.80;
money lost due to operator error £2;
dryers (20p for three and half minutes) = £4.50;
making a grand total of £15.45, so just over the fifteen.

I don’t know about cleanliness being next to godliness...

MIXED GRILL

‘...took me twenty minutes, it did,’ she said to the man sat in a wheelchair at the table she put the plate of food she’d bought from the BHS cafe.
‘That’s funny,’ he said, ‘that’s how long I was waiting.’

‘It’s fizzy,’ said the young man to the woman across the way, ‘it’s supposed to be flat.’
‘Take it back,’ she said.
‘Take it back?’

‘There’s no mushrooms. I usually have mushrooms but they’ve sold out...’
After a short pause he said, ‘...the eggs are tasty though.’
‘What?’
‘The eggs,’ he said, ‘they’re tasty.’

‘Yes I did,’ he said to the woman walking with him as they passed the table where I sat, ‘and it was, oh, but you know...’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘yes, I know.’

RECYCLING

L

‘You into stamps,’ he said as we sat drinking coffee.
‘I always put one on a letter before posting,’ I said.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘I mean collecting stamps. You into collecting stamps?’
‘No,’ I said.
He bent down and took a book was a stamp album out of the bag by his feet. He opened the album to a page filled with stamps and said, ''ere, look at these. All of these’ve got Queen Victorial on them, see?’
‘Who?’ I said and leaned towards him for a closer look.
‘Queen Victorial,’ he said pointing. 'See?'

BRISTOL LIGHTS

NOT ANOTHER WORD

The floor above the one I got in she got in.
‘Mind where you tread,’ I said and we both looked at the spit.
‘Why do they do that?’ she said. ‘What do they get out of it?’
‘They wouldn’t spit in their own home yet they spit in shared space,’ I said.
Not another word passed between us.

CECOND CEX CESSION

'You come to sell stuff?' he said when I walked up to the counter opening the bag I was carrying.
'You're gong to tell me I can't,' I said.
'Er, yes,' he said, 'sorry.'
'It's not easy here is it?' I said.
'Er, no,' he said. 'Can you come back tomorrow? Or Thursday would be better.'
'Okay,' I said and left waving.

NICE ONES

‘You waiting for something?’ I said to the man sat outside the printer’s. ‘You want some change?’
‘Thanks.’
He took the pound coin as he stood up talking.
‘I don’t do drugs or the drink and I won’t go into a hostel at night the last one they showed me there were three beds in a room and it was twelve by twelve. I just need the money for food. I sleep on the street I’ve a few places and some where people know me. There’s a man I met was seventy and he’d been on the street since he was sixteen.’
‘That’s a long time.’
‘Yeh, you meet people on the street. There was this man I found lying drunk in his own puke one of the drinkers I know him and I picked him up and leant him against the wall. And this man gave me twenty pounds because I got him to the bus station without him getting mugged.’
‘Nice one,’ I said.
‘There are some good people, good people out there, might stop have a chat, give me some money. I was in Bedminster near Asda’s and over the road is the camping shop Taunton leisure and I went in and said, “you got any sleeping bag I can have?” I didn’t hear the door go behind me but I heard this voice, “what you after?” so I said, “a sleeping bag, it’s getting cold out there,” and he said, “which one do you want?” so I pointed and said, “that one,” and he bought it and gave it to me cost him forty pounds.’
‘Nice one,’ I said.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO SEE THIS...

BROADMEAD HUB FROM BHS

MEN ONLY

ONE-SIDED

-Watching -
- Could go either way -
- Henry is out for a while. The club say neck injury. The press say argued with wenger or tired -
- I don’t know. Chatting too much to be in the groove -
- Chelsea favoutites to score -
- He’s preparing his speech for the cameras -
- I expect to see robben and swp at some point -
- I’d like to see walcot -
- Oh no you didn’t -
- Yeeeaaaahhs! -
- Fantastic. They have looked more urgent since the second goal -
- You can breathe now -
- I agree -

CEX CESSION

I had five DVDs in my hand, four to sell one to buy and was standing at the Cex exchange counter behind a mother and daughter who were selling DVDs and games being checked by a young man.
It was hot, it’s always hot in Cex, loud music ditto. I felt sweat beading on my forehead.
‘This is taking forever,’ said the daughter turning to me raising her eyebrows. I smiled with a shrug resigned.
The young man started playing around with a woman who earlier I’d asked to serve me but she said, ‘no, he’s dealing with it.’ I thought she might have other things to do but I didn’t think twirling a Christmas decoration round her neck was one of them.
‘Fifty...cash,’ he said.
‘Oh,’ said the mother, ‘can I have a printout?’
‘Can I have one too?’ said the daughter.
While they read through the printouts he fiddled with notes and coins to fifty pounds. I got hotter, standing, waiting...
He looked at me then turned to a man was kneeling on the floor behind him flicking through the bottom shelf of discs in search of a title, said something to him I didn’t hear, then said to me, ‘we can’t buy anymore today.’
A momentary pause.
‘What?’ I said. ‘I’ve been stood here for fifteen minutes and now you tell me you can’t buy anymore today?’
‘There’s not enough staff and we’ve got to finish off,’ he said.
‘I understand that,’ I said, ‘but what really irritates me is that I’ve been standing here waiting, patiently mind you, while you’ve been messing around taking forever as if you've got all the time in the world when clearly you haven't...
‘Where’s the manager?’
‘They’re not here at the moment.’
‘Lucky for you,’ I said, ‘because if they had been here I’d have had a word and tell them about the appalling way you've treated a customer, that is me.’

A NOT INFREQUENT SIGHT...

SHE GROWS

I smoked some of that stuff, last night,' he said.
'What stuff?'
'That stuff she gave you to gave me the other day.'
'Oh yeh?'
'I had quite a lot of it,' he said. 'It's strong, isn't it?'
'She grows good head,' I said.

ABOUT MY JOURNEY

‘Excuse me,’ said a woman wearing glasses who I’d noticed earlier on the station as I waited for the train I was now on. ‘Would you mind answering a few questions about your journey?’
‘If it doesn’t take too long,’ I said.
‘I’ll give you the shorter version then,’ she said. ‘Where’re you going?’
‘Pardon?’
‘What station you traveling to?’
‘Temple Meads,’ I said.
‘Do you want a pen too?’ she said.
‘Yes, thank you,’ I said as I took both the pen she held out to me and the A5 booklet that had eight sides and made me wonder how long the longer version was.
When I’d answered all the questions I left the pen on the booklet at the end of the table so she could pick it up without having to speak to me or me to her.
Throughout the rest of my trip I heard, from different parts of the carriage, ‘excuse me. Would you mind answering a few questions about your journey?’

EVERYTIME

He was standing back against the wall when I turned the corner.
‘Aw man,’ he said.
‘Gets a sweat on, doesn’t it?’ I said.
He laughed. I noticed his forehead was shiny and wondered if we’d talk in the lift.
‘It’s like walking a mile,’ he said on our way up.
I looked at him and said, ‘you’re a young man you should be running up those stairs.’
‘I don’t think so man,’ he said.
I laughed. He was smoking a joint.
‘Yeh,’ I said, ‘I suppose after town and the hill it’s the stairs that get you.’
‘Everytime,’ he said before getting out on the floor below mine.

FULL MOON IN GEMINI

THE WOMAN IN BLACK

RAINCHECK

I saw her look at me when I came out of MandS and we passed each other in the street. She was wearing a red coat and blue jeans. She was tall, had blond hair, was wearing a hat, she was eating something and had a carrier bag hanging from one of her wrists.
I walked up the steps alongside House Of Fraser and stopped at the Nationwide cashpoint, got some money.
Taking the note out of the machine I saw, in the right corner of my view the woman above. She must’ve walked round the outside of, or through, House Of Fraser, for our paths to cross so soon after the first time.
She walked in front of me down to the subway through the Pit and up the steps to Stokes Croft.
Near the music shop I said, ‘excuse me,’ and got her attention. ‘Do you want to come back to my place? I’ve got a bottle of wine, some smoke, and we could have some fun.’
She turned to face me and said, ‘I’d love to but I’m on my way to meet someone, can I take a raincheck?’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘of course.’

THE FIRST BRIDGE

‘Fifteen two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, six for the sixes is eighteen, two for the nines twenty,’ he said then pegged it.
‘A full house,’ I said.
He pointed at the difference between us and said, ‘I wouldn’t back any horses today, if I was you.’
‘Or buy a lottery ticket,’ I said.
He lit the cigarette he’d put in his mouth.
‘Years ago,’ he said, ‘I used to go to Molly’s place out at Aust. There was a bookmaker would come in and if he’d had a good day he’d buy drinks all round.’
‘Give some money back to the punters,’ I said.
‘Molly used to play piano, she could knock out a tune.’
‘You’d have a singsong then?’
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘until they knocked her place down when they built the first bridge.’